What a day. First of all, I got Abby to scooter with us to school today (she didn't even complain - this is indeed a miracle). While we were walking, I told them about my cousin Audrey. I found out last night that she died on Saturday. I told them about how she was the cousin I looked up to and who was always so sweet to me. I also told them I haven't seen her in years because she had a drinking problem and it felt safer. I started crying (Logan seemed stunned and Abby managed to hold my hand and scooter at the same time) and said I wonder if she knew I loved her or if she felt judged by me. Choosing not to see someone because of their lifestyle does feel judgmental. At that moment, I realized it hurts a lot more to be doing the judging rather than being judged. I told them every time we look at one of our friends or loved ones and think poorly of them because of a choice they make, we are judging them. Abby became very philosophical and said because Audrey was in heaven of course she knew I loved her and someday I would see her again and be able to tell her myself.
So far it seems that walking has lifted my spirits, has helped me feel the feelings, and has given me amazing time with my family.
I spent the morning with my favorite uncle, Audrey's dad, and her family. I spent the afternoon touring homes in Denver Country Club. I spent the evening at a meeting for Logan's choir. Life goes on.
I'm still trying to practice staying put, but the first two homes of my tour today were so tempting. I immediately sent Greg a text.
My text to Greg: First house is mine.
Greg's reply text: I'm sorry this is an automated response from your husbands iPhone. You are to practice "staying put" which would not involve moving to the country club. Your husband did not receive your original message but if you feel the need you may try to resend it. It probably won't make it but it may help with the urge.
Me: Can u hear the waterfall? The second is even better.
Greg: Sorry your text could not be completed. Please try again when you get to the 400K price range.
No comments:
Post a Comment